그에 대해서..

무슨생각이 들어서 그랬는지는 모르겠지만 (아마 또 "바이올린에 대한 한탄을 하다가" 가아닐까=_=) Joshua Bell 에 대해서 인터텟에 찾다가 그에대한 이런글을 발견했다.

내가 생각하는 조슈아 벨은 자신을 잘 드러내지 않을 것 같은 사람이다. 웃는 얼굴로 상황을 잘도 넘긴다. 실리적이고 에고이스트지만 아무도 느끼지 못한다. 부드럽고 친절하지만 때로는 지독하게 고독한 남자다. 연애에 있어서는 좋아해주는 사람은 많지만 그는 늘 웃으며 거리를 유지한다. 이성애자처럼도 보이지 않고 동성애자처럼 보이지도 않는다. 대중적인 연주를 하고 자신의 연주에 만족하지만 때로는 어느 순간 같은 색만을 띄고 있는 소리에 환멸을 느낄 때도 있다. 그러나 곧 새로운 시도를 해봄으로서 극복해나가는 천재다.그는 진심으로 친절하지만 전심으로 사랑하지는 않는다.그에게 있어서 바이올린 이상의 연애대상은 없다.가족과 친구와 주변 인물들을 좋아하지만 지독하게 고독하다.

어느사람이 Josh의 (멋대로 Josh라고 부르기는 좀 그렇지만 이편이 훨씬더 친근감이 들기 때문에...^^) 연주를 듣고 어떤사람일까 생각한내용을 적은것이다. 이글을 읽고 무언가가 번쩍 트이는듯한 느낌을 받았다. 아마, 확실히 그런사람일수도 있다고.. 아니, 그런사람 일거라고. 상냥하고 미소짓고 부드럽지만 항상 남에게서 거리를 두는, 자신만의 공간에 머무는 사람. 친절하지만 남에게 마음을 맏기지 못하고 고독하기 때문에 연주할수 있는사람.

Joshua Bell을 처음 알게된것은 제작년 이었나 작년 이었나 (요즘은 시간계념이 전혀 없다), 이전 바이올린 선생님이 Joshua Bell이 공연을 하니 꼭! 가서 보라고 해주신 덕분에 알게 되었다. 그때까지만 해도 창피하긴 하지만 Joshua Bell이 뭘하는 사람인지도 몰랐다 =_=; 별 갈생각도 없이 침대에서 잠옷입고 빈둥빈둥 거리다가 소영이가 같이 가서 보자고 전화하는 바람에 후다닥 옷갈아 입고 간것뿐. 그것도 티켓없이 들어갈려고 중간 intermission에 몰래 들어갈려다가 걸려서 결국에 학생티켓 7불을 내고 들어가야 했었다;; 어쨌든지 들어가서 놀란것은 빈자리 찾기가 쉽지 않았다는것. 주로 할머니 할아버지들이었지만 그렇게 사람이 많이온걸 본건 처음이었다. TCC에서 공연도 해봤고 연주회도 몇번 가봐서 알지만 주로 뒤에 싼 자리로 구하고 앞에 빈자리 골라서 앉으면 됐었는데 그때는 정말 빈자리라곤 찾을수가 없었다. 결국에 앞에는 앉지 못하고 중간쯤에 자리를 겨우 구했지만 워낙 앞에 앉아서 뚤어지게 바라보며 듣는걸 좋아하는지라 별로 좋은자리는 아니였다. 하여간 그날 들은곡은 Tchaik violin concerto op.35. 태어나서 그런 연주는 처음이었다. 숨소리한번 내지못하고 들었다. 특히 마지막 movement는 굉장히 섬세하고 열정적인, 정말 곡이 끝나지 않기를 바랄정도였다. (아마 곡이 끝나지 않았으면 Josh는 쓰러지지 않았을까; 그정도로 대단했다.) 기립박수에 기립박수가 이어지고, 나도 한곡더 앙콜로 들려주길 간절히 바랬음에도 아마 도저히 힘들어서 앙콜은 못할거라고 생각했지만 (Tchaik은 괭장히 길다. 나같으면 보통 협주곡의 movement 하나정도 연주하고나면 지치는데, 전곡을 한번에 다한다는것은, 그것도 열정적으로 하고 지치지 않는다는것은 정말 대단한 스테미너다. 땀을 뻘뻘 흘리는것이 상당히 지쳐보이긴 했지만.) 놀랍게도 다시나와 앙콜을 해줬다. 앙콜곡은 Red violin곡중 하나인 Pope's concert. 보는순간 경직, 벌어진 입을 다물수가 없었다. 사람이 저렇게 연주할수도 있는거구나, 저런게 정말 가능하구나. 내가본중 최고의 virtuoso performance 였다. 평생 한번 볼수 있을까 말까한... 정말 거장들의 연주라는건 이런거라는걸 처음 느꼈다. 내 생애에 꼭 한번 다시 보고싶은 연주가 있다면 당연히 Josh Bell의 연주일거다. 만약 여행을하다가 그분이 연주를한다는 소식을 들으면 모든걸 팽게치고 들으러갈 정도로. 난 그순간부터 중독된듯이 그의 연주를 찾았고 그때의 기억을 잊지 안으려고 그의 Tchaik 씨디까지 샀다. (Tchaik 은 이번학기때 공연해버리는 바람에 리허설에 뭐에 너무많이 들어서 더이상 도저히 듣고싶은 생각이 들지 않고, 그 공연때의 기억도 안잊어 버릴라고 애씀에도 불구하고 어두운 무대와 그의 검은 옷, 그리고 그분 특유의 고개를 오케스트라쪽으로 돌리고 명상하는듯한 자세밖에는 아쉽게도 별 기억이 나지 않는다) 누구라도 그분을 들을 기회가 있으면 꼭 가서 들어보라고 권하고 싶다.

아 그리고 인터넷을 뒤지다가 발견한 재밌는 사실. 그의 연주에도 그렇지만 그의 외모에 혹한사람이 한둘이 아니다. 특히 여성분들-_-; 확실히 씨디에 보면 내가봐도 굉장히 미소년틱하게 잘생기게 나왔지만, 이제 나이도 40이 가까워지고, 인터뷰한거 보면 배도 좀 나온거 같고 나잇살인지 얼굴도 통통해지고 그랬던데, 사진, 확실히 사기다;;. 이번에산 씨디랑 Romance of Violin 커버에 나온 사진보고 놀랬다=_=; 헐리우드 매직이 좋긴 좋구나...;; 한 20년은 젊어보인다. 사진을 위해서 특별히 살을뺀게 아니라면, 사진사에게 존경을 표한다; 어쨌든지 죠시 아저씨, 투산에 한번더 와주시면 안될까요?? 이왕이면 U of A music school에도 좀..;;

Happy birthday to me

I'm 20 as of today, for real, even though I've been 20 for about a month on legal documents... I got lots and lots of "Happy birthdays" :) but no present yet.. :( But that's ok, I'm actually really surprized how many people remembered it, thank you to all the people who wished me a happy birthday. It's kind of wierd, knowing that i'm actually 20, and not a "teen" anymore. I'm a real adult now. I've never really thought of myself as "child" or a "kid" except when I was in elementary school, and some people (actually a lot of people) thought of me as acting too mature (or in other words, "old people like" =_=+) for my age. And since I'm tutoring kids, the kids' parents treat me equal to them, like they would treat other adults they know. This is very important because hierachy in Korean culture is super important, and teachers are usually thought of as the most respected person for parents... because they believe the success of their children's life depends on the teachers. But since I don't think of them as my "equals", it's been a kind of weird and ackward... I bet they are just doing that to be polite, but mutual respect toward each other is a good thing, and I should get used to it by now. So yes, they actually bring me coffee instead of juice or milk (hehehe), and use formal language to me, which I guess is kind of normal thing to do for a college student. Anyways, I'm getting used to the sudden change in attitude of being looked as a kid (whether I thought of myself as one or not) and being looked as an adult. Some people I think will never think of me as an adult, like my family members. I do act quite irresponsibly at home, and I found myself (to my horror) acting quite childish during orchestra rehearsal last monday, just because I couldn't stand the menacing repetition of Hendel for two hours nonstop with 5 different conductor wannabes. Since people start looking at me as an adult (hopefully), I should act like one, and limit myself from behaving stupidly.... It'll take a lot more years and experiences before I can really look myself as a real adult though. And there are people out there who are just old but not really an "adult" yet, at least in my opinion..

I had slightly depressing lesson today, may be just because I've been only frustrated and desperate whenever I practiced Rondo. I think I'm probably the worst violin learning person/thing ever existed cuz it's only normal that people get better when they practice, and I'm apparently not able to do so. Sensee tried to show me again and again and I think I could somewhat do it at the end of the lesson time, but who knows I'll be able to actually play off the string by this week, this month, this year... Now I don't even have energy to get angry at myself. Ahh it should be "happy" birthday, not "Depression cycle hits again" birthday. I'll eat sushi today, so it won't matter. Nothing matters when it comes to sushi.

I'm so bored

here's more personality tests, i'm should go to bed now

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

color quiz

Here's what it says about me:

Your Existing Situation
Imaginative and sensitive; seeking an outlet for these qualities--especially in the company of someone equally sensitive. Interest and enthusiasm are readily aroused by the unusual or the adventurous.
(Ok.. what does it mean by "unusual"?)

Your Stress Sources
Seeks independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoids obligations or anything which might prove hampering. She is being subjected to considerable pressure and wants to escape from it so that she can obtain what she needs, but tends to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.
(yes, I'm stressed for sure)

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels cut off and unhappy because of the difficulty in achieving the essential degree of cooperation and harmony which she desires.
(I do feel frustrated)

Your Desired Objective
Desires protection against anything which might exhaust or tire her. Seeks a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance.
(very true, but doesn't anybody?)

Your Actual Problem
Fears that her independence will be threatened or severely restricted unless she protects herself from outside influence. Does not want to be bothered.
(My "actual" problem....hmm..)

Your Actual Problem #2
Failure to establish herself in a manner consonant with her own high opinion of her worth, combined with the continued effort to prove herself with inadequate resources, have resulted in considerable stress. Tries to escape from these excessive demands on her meager reserves by adopting a defensive attitude in which she refuses to be committed, or to be involved in further unpleasantness.
(I'm defensive, bit more than I want myself to be...)

Hmmmm..

Blessed...

젠장=_= 원래는 주위에 신경써주는 친구들이 있어서 복도많다라고 쓸라고 했는데 쓰다가 보니우울모드에 빠져버렸다-_-+ 망할. 망할.

Took out my wisdom teeth today..

I took out my two upper wisdom teeth today. The extraction process was amazingly simple, and contrary to popular belief it wasn't bad at all. The dentist was a really nice guy, and told me every step of things he was going to do to me. Anesthesia process took a lot longer than the extraction process, since all he did was basically push the teeth out (I think). I would've never guessed it would be that simple... and surprising thing was, my wisdom teeth were huge!! They were like inch long each. The dentist asked me if I want to take them with me ("who knows? May be tooth fairy will give you a dollar for it"), but I just looked at them instead. They were bloody, pink, and mean looking... I guess the bigger it is, the more wisdom you have.. :P

I'm still under the effect of Anesthesia (I think the doctor said it's Nodacane or Novacane, which I remembered from working in pharmacy. I believe it's under narcotic substances that you really had to take care in checking them out..), since my right side of mouth is still tingly and my tongue feels weird. It's been almost three hours since my teeth has been pulled out.. I still have some bleeding, but I think it's getting less. I'm changing the gauze like every 15 minutes, which makes me kind of worried about them running out... also, how am I suppose to eat with two gauzes sitting in my mouth?? I guess I'll have to wait till the bleeding stops, but then what if it doesn't stop till late at night? I guess I'll just starve.. better then eating bloody food... yuck. Anyways I hope the anesthesia doesn't ware off soon, cuz it's been nice not being able to feel any pain yet...

Plant a seed

I planted 10 Geranium seeds yesterday, I hope at least one comes out... The instruction said to plant them in a "seed starting soil" but I couldn't fined one so I just planted them in "miracle-gro". May be it'll require a miracle to grow them. I checked the flower pot this morning and nothing changed... Of course, it's only been a day.

So why Geranium? Well, my friend in Ochem class told me about what a bad year it's going to be for people who were born in the year of Tiger, and the way to prevent the bad lucks is having a red flower in my room. So I went home and checked Korean almanac (over internet) with my sister and checked for my "luck" this year... and found it to be the worst ever. What it said about me was "A small ship is lost in a storming big sea, how can one expect it to arrive at its port safely?". Basically, nothing I try to accomplish will come true, I'll be very sick, and so just "empty" my mind and try to be patient. Oh, and it also said "beware of 'opposite sex'". There goes my future bf if I get one. I sorta freaked out cause this year's very important to me.. I'll be applying to school of pharmacy this year, but it says nothing I want will come true!! (Well it said if I want something really really bad, I might be able to get it). But then my another good friend Pen told me not to believe in that stuff because some people have bad years and some people have good years, and it doesn't matter what somebody says about it because it's all in your perspective. And I think it's true. I was sort of trying to make it as my excuse for bad things that will happen to me, but nothing really bad happened to me yet. I guess it's like a chicken and egg theory, bad things happen because it's bad year or you think it's going to be a bad year and so bad things happen.

Anyways, I got attracted to the idea of having a red flower, more like a symbol of hope. (Does that mean if all the flowers die, my hope dies too???) I wanted something that I can take care of this year, and watch it grow from my care. It'll be like Little Prince's rose. So grow my tiny seeds, grow!! And show me some flowers!!!

Ahh violin, why won't you work with me...

Nowadays, I'm getting really frustrated and annoyed trying to play Rondo Capriccioso. It's not an easy piece, I know it, and I also know that I shouldn't be so frustrated since I know it's a difficult piece. I've played difficult pieces before and over the years I've learned to be patient when practicing, but this time it's little different. There's this one spot that's making me want to throw my bow (which I did once few years ago.. I threw it on my bed... and it jumped up really high so I swore I'd never do it again), it's like a bouncing thing with my bow that I just can't do! My teacher tried to teach me how to do it for like 40 minutes (almost the whole lesson time) and afterwards he got so tired and almost fell back on his chair... I felt sorry for him because if I'm this frustrated, who knows how much frustrated he can be. Arg. Things like this make me depressed. I'm no good. It won't matter whether I practice more or not. I just won't get it. I have no talent. I don't know why I still persist on playing violin. Heck, yeah like I can really "play" violin. Compared to others, I suck. I don't get things like other people. I should quit.....

But then if I just give up on it like that, that would not be me. In addition to getting frustrated, I also get angry at myself. I know better then to give up, and because I'm so mad that I can't do the stupid thing I'll practice and practice and practice. But the thing is, I think I'm actually getting worse after so much repetition in practicing. It's like I could mimic it somewhat at the beginning, my teacher tells me I'm not doing it right, we spend tons of time trying to make me do what he can do so naturally, I practice at home while trying not to pull my hair out, and I still can't do it. Now I can't even "mimic" what I was doing in the first place. It's gotten worse. My bow won't even bounce for me. I'm afraid I'm practicing it wrong and actually accumulating bad habits that I'll have to fix later on, but there is no one to check with! I'm on break now and I won't see my teacher for two weeks!!
Aaaah it's not like I can't do it cuz I didn't practice!! I did! A lot! What's the matter with me!?? How on earth did other kids learn how to do it!! Am I the only person having this problem? God, other students are so much better than me, I only make myself look stupid trying to keep up with it. I try and try and it's no good. erg. (and here goes the depression cycle again). I might be thinking too hard on the mechanism. May be I shouldn't try so hard. But then if I don't try, how can I do it???

This kinda reminds me of when I was learning how to spiccato... I can do it somewhat now but back then I used to get so frustrated with it.. I got so angry at myself I swore that I'll learn how to do this !&*%($# thing if it's the last thing I do before I die. Ugh violin, you should be the last thing that gives me stress..

Who's a sexy boy??

Doori is the sexy boy!! (I heard an old lady saying "whose a sexy boy?" to her dog again and again at a grooming shop, and it sorta became contagious...) Anyways, this is doori the dog, here looking more like a sleepy fat bear. He is a really good looking dog though, really.

So...for the first (ok, second) time...

So yes. I've decided to have a blog now. I actually had a real nice blog on MSN spaces, but never wrote a thing because... because... (I'm lazy? Couldn't think of anything to write? Too self conscious?) ehh...why don't we just stick to "cuz I'm too busy". But my good friend(Gesuntheight!!!) successfully persuaded me to actually "use" a blog so here it is.
Dear my Korean friends, don't hate me for writing in english. Dear my korean and english speaking friends, don't laugh. Dear my non-korean english speaking friends and peers... 하~하~ 너넨 한국말쓰면 못읽는다~~ ;;;

Hhmm hmm anyways. It doesn't really matter who reads it, since I've decided to use it as a tool to organize my own thoughts about things. And sometimes I do want to write about some things, it's just that I have never been able to make myself to actually do it. Yes, I'll say it again, I actually want to write sometimes. I'll talk about my annoyance about "writing" later but...
But yes, I do think that having a blog is a good idea.. I can practice english, let people know what's going on around me and stuff. I should write in Korean too, it's just that I seem to forget some of the spelling stuff and yes, it's embarrassing. But I'll try. We'll see.

I'll try to write as often as possible but can't guarantee it because I'm so busy these days (I'll write about that another time also) and I don't think I'll have time for writing once school starts again... Writing eats away my time... sigh