Liberation day

Yes. I am finally liberated. Liberated from the grueling torture of chemistry lab and the lab write ups. Today was the day that I took the Ochem lab final, and the day that I submitted my oh-so-professional-looking "formal report". The TA final wasn't as hard as I feared it would be, but the common final was actually harder than I ever would have guessed. Normally for a lab like this one I never really studied for it, but for this one I actually studied little bit, and thank goodness I did. It actually helped. I think I did O.K (which means I did as well as I hoped I would), and I'm just glad that it's over now. After this, no more chem lab for me forever muhahahahaha (or I hope). Next runner up is ochem lecture test and all other finals, which I'm not really worried (haven't had time to think about those yet), I'll just take one by one. I'm just happy that I finally see the end of the semester; I've been hoping for this day since the very first day of semester. Very sad indeed. For some reason, I hated this semester. Oh wait, did I mention that already? Well, I'll say it again, this semester is the worst one I've had. Yuck. Never never ever would I want to go back to it. Ever. Which is kinda weird since I'm not doing so bad in classes... but just sick of it all, like other students I've talked to.

I got an email from my orchestra director, asking if I was "game" for the orchestra next semester. I replied I'll have to take the night one due to schedule conflict thingie, to which he replied "then you'll have the chance to be in 1st and be a leader." Hello! Like I want to be "a leader" and care about wheather I'm 1st or 2nd violin!!! Ugh. I have no idea what he thinks of me. And frankly, don't care. But then I sorta miss the "group" or ensemble playing... playing solo pieces is not very fun. It's like playing by yourself when there's no one else around. Ensemble is a lot more fun, which was why I liked orchestra playing so much in High school and the only thing that actually made me to like the instrument. I kinda miss that feeling. Especially after I saw a quartet playing in master class few weeks ago. But whatever. I'll soon be complaining about how much I'm suffering from the "can't tell if I'm in tune or not" syndrome from that night orchestra. Lets hope that he doesn't make me sit in the way front, cuz I don't really know how to count and need somebody in front of me to follow....

Violin practicing is going all right. I don't want to push myself going "I'm going to learn to play this much by next week", so it's been slow progress. The piece is difficult, especially for my small hand since there are some notes where I have to stretch my fingers the max. and still can't quite get it. It's bit frustrating, but it's not the first time I had one of those to tackle, so I don't mind it anymore. I'll get it when I get it. And Sam understands that for me, which is a blessing really since I never had a teacher actually counted it in. That doesn't mean that I can get away with things though, which I think I shouldn't be allowed to. The weird thing is, practicing Vieuxtemps makes my shoulders hurt all the time, whether I'm practicing and I'm not practicing. Sure my left hand gets killed during practice, but it's usually fine when I'm not practicing. May be it's used to getting killed almost everyday that it doesn't mind it anymore. But my shoulders, they hurt when I go to sleep, when I wake up, and in between those times. Ok not necessarily "hurting" anymore, but I can sorta feel the muscle all the time. Not a pleasant feeling. I think it might be because I'm forcing to use some of the muscles that I didn't really use much before, and it's just aching from all the excercises(??). Or I'm playing weird. Hopefully it would go away soon.

Oh and I also got my letter of recommendations from Ms. Casey today. I don't think I'm allowed to see what she wrote for me, but she sent it to me anyways. Oh wait, I'm allowed to see it, but not allow to change it. Aaaah. But anyways, I was very thankful that she took time to write it for me. I was kinda worried that she would remember me when I contacted her, since it's been almost whole year I've been in her class. I knew she would write a good letter for me because for some reason she thought I was a good writer and she gave a lot of compliments during classes in front of the class making me feel bit like a teacher's pet. And she wrote all those nice things about me... I mean, she can really write. It just strikes me how good of a writer she is, cuz if I tried to say the same thing that she wrote, I probably can't make it sound as good as she did. A true difference between a good writer and just a regular one. Anyways, reading the letter made me feel like I really am that exceptional individual that every college of pharmacy would want. Wow. I'm not used to listening or reading something complimentary, and it's a little uncomfortable... or weird I guess. I wonder how the real "important" people in high positions feel when they go to places and people says all these nice compliments to them. They might be just used to it I guess, and don't think much of it... but would they really believe that they are that awsome significant person that people say they are? I wonder, I wonder...
Well, the only thing left for me is getting those tests out of the way, and wait for 2 other letters and my application fee to get to the admissions office. Please please hope for the best results.

One another (annoying) thing! Today I got home, and while I was about to park I noticed some kids and their mom was parking also in front of my house (my sister tutors art at home now). As I got out of the car naturally I said hi to them. And when I was walking in, I heard the mom saying "Oh I was just really surprised that she can drive! I mean she just looks so young!" to my sister! I mean come on! I'm a JUNIOR in COLLEGE! How old did she think I was, a 14 year old? Well, forget about "looking so young", I got that look off in high school! It was probably because I'm tiny, that's why! God it drives me crazy! Like that one time when I was a sophomore in high school this stupid one person asked if my family needed two kids menu! Ugggh! And today I wasn't dressed like a kiddie, either! I dunno what I need to do to look a bit older, either put 3 inch make up on my face or have a longer hair. Arg. This really isn't what a college student should hear.

Heaven answers my prayer

Finally some good news for all! Or for me! So today in lesson, Sam told me that a lot of people will be gone next semester. And with the slightest hope, I asked "Oh really? Who?" and he goes "Well Hannah is graduating, Liz is going to another school, who's going where blah blah, and SONNY is done with school too." And I was going 'Whaaattt?' Man! The world knows that I don't like him, and ever since the freshman year I've been wondering when he's gonna graduate and go away. I was really worried too, because I'll be doing the night orchestra thing next semester and he was conducting some of the pieces with that orchestra this semester, and I thought he would conduct again next semester which would make my life like hell. (Oh and yes, people in that orchestra doesn't really like him either I noticed). But he'll be gone! I won't have to see him again or get goose bumps whenever I get an accidental eye contact with him. Uggggh (shudders). So why don't I like him? Well, first of all, he's such a show off. And if there has to be one person that I hate the most, it would be the person who think's he/she's better than someone. I mean, self pride is all right, if you keep it to yourself. But that guy will show off like crazy before/during/after orchetra by playing real difficult stuff, and glares and yells at kids who he thinks is not playing the "right way". Oh, and he likes to instruct people on how to play well too, like people in the orchestra don't know how to play their instruments. I don't care if you are the world's best of the bestest musician on the earth; Don't act like you are better than anybody! God! Drives me nuts! Simon plays better than he does, but he doesn't pick on somebody just because he thinks he's better. Anyways, I didn't like him that much in the first place, and then SOMETHING happened, which is probably why I avoid guys who have some interest in me. Uggggh don't think don't think don't think. I mean, that guy's like 40 or something, grow up! Gosh no wonder I don't have a boyfriend, or a decent guy friend. Damn it! Anyways, Hallelujah, heaven answered my prayer and that guy's gone. Please, please PLEASE, don't disappoint me and just leave. PLEASE!!!!!!

Anyways, back to my life. The application is almost done, I still need to get my essay revisions back from Mandy, except he's not replying and he said he's gonna do them two days ago, so I dunno what happened to it. I really really really wanted to get done with it today, but it's not likely. I looked over it three times now, and I'm not seeing any errors so it's good. I'll look over it the fourth time and send them, hopefully by tomorrow. Please Mandy, just read it over and send them to me. Oh and Thanksgiving is coming up! I'm not really that happy bcuz I have two tests, a chem lab final, and a formal report due right after the thanksgiving, so it's most likely that I'll be spending the whole time just studying and working on them. Ugh. Like my friend said... "Thanks... for all the homework!!!" I miss the days when I didn't have to do so much. This semester is just a killer. Definitely the number one "I hate this semester" semester. Not a one single easy class, and just tons of work. And the Thanksgiving "break" is like four days! How's that a break? All the 1~12th graders have five days off!! This is not fair! The only thing I'm looking forward is the food, although I think it's horrible that millions of turkeys will be massacred just for this day. Horrible. Just grow up and line up to die. Would it be fun to live if you were born to just die? Horrible horrible. And I bet their living condition is just horrible! If I live by myself I would not buy turkey or ham.

Another thing.... I'm sick. Yes, sick of school, that too, but real cold/flu virus sick. I think I got it from Sakana, unfortunately. It seemed like the cold medicine that I bought was working the first 10 min, but now I feel sick again. May be I felt little better bcuz I had soup, I dunno. I thought about buying cranberry juice thinking that the acidity of it would help me feel better, but that I realized that it's a virus that I'm dealing with, not bacteria. I'll see how long it would take for my throat to be normal again and my temperature to go down. Take care not to get cold/flu!! It's not fun and it sucks if you have tons of other stuffs to do too! Take care indeed!

Vote for me!!

Hello there! It seems like I've been writing very often these days, but whatever. The application for pharm school is due real soon (not really, but the recommended submission date is next Wed). I've got everything down except the essay part, which I'm procrastinating big time. I should get on with it though, really really. The interview skill semina from pre-pharm meeting and the essay questions (what have you done to know about pharmacy? What are your strength and abilities...? etc etc) makes it look more like I'm a senator running for an election or something. Dear people, I have these characteristics with these background, and I've done this much to prove that I'm qualified, so vote for me bcuz I'm ur most ideal candidate! It's CRAZY! The interview thing is out of this world. The lady who talked about interviewing skills talked about every single detail of things from the cloth and shoes I should wear to what I should smell, act, look, and talk like. I think I'll do real well if I just look at what people do when they run for electionk, with nice hairstyle, clothing, and smile on their faces. And the questions they ask, I need to know so much about myself to be able to answer them well! Not just why I want to become a pharmacist, but about what happened in my life that was significant and had some kind of meaning to it. I should start preparing soon or I'll be making up stuff as I go on, and pray that they buy it. But right now I need to focus on the application first.
I got the letter of recommendations figured out, and I sent test message and got two responses back. I still haven't heard from the pharmacist yet, so I think I'm gonna wait till till tomorrow to email and bug him about whether he got the message or not. Another stress source, but it'll work out hopefully.
I played in the master class today!! Nervous I was, but I was more sick of the piece that I've been dragging on for 3 weeks so it was more of "Ah whatever, get this thing done, and I will never have to play this again! I'll be liberated!" than "Oh my god I have to get it perfect". Seriously, I cared less about it than my accompanist did when we were rehearsing. He wanted to get itty bitty details right, while I was more of "ok, sure, whatever". But I guess the fact that I didn't care so much helped in turn while I was playing, because I played fairly ok. And for me that's a complement, since I almost never say I played well. I was nervous, with my irregular breathing pattern and sweating hands and heart thumping and the ever drying throat, but I was somehow able to focus. I didn't think when I was playing either, nothing like "Oooh I missed that note, crap here comes the harder spot", probably bcuz it wasn't that of a difficult piece technically. That helped too for sure. I was just focusing on.... on what I don't remember. I focused on music when I could and focused on dealing with my nervousness, reminding me to breath because I tend to keep breathing in and in and forget to breath out when I get nervous. It wasn't the best I could play, but without any major disaster, it went ok. And Sam thought I did pretty well, again saying that I was very well prepared. He said I didn't even look like I was nervous, which was totally not true, but I succeeded in bluffing. I think when you let yourself look like you are nervous enforces the fact that you are nervous and it makes things worse. I always trying to pretend like it's no big deal, and tell myself to just play and make music and forget about other things. I still don't play loud enough or accent/forte enough, which is one thing that I know but just won't fix. I might be scared of playing loud, I dunno. I'll leave that upt to psycologist. Anyways I think it was a success that even though I was nervous I could control it down somehow. I think I might be winning the battle of stagefright.... with stage fright going down!! Today I also got the fingerings for Vieuxtemps 5, and the notes are crazy. It's gonna be hard, I'm already pulling on my hair going 'oh shoot what have I gotten myself into' and I haven't even practiced it yet, but... I'll try, definitely try. I just can't wait till winter break honestly. ( or more like graduation date!!!)

Finally

Greetings!
I'm in science library at school, trying to waste little time before going back to my house. You see, my sister, A.K.A Sakana, is going to Phoenix for some piano competition tomorrow, and if I go home, she'll still be practicing with my mom coaching her. And seriously, if I hear another A note from Piano again, I'd puke. As for me, I have test tomorrow, the oh-so-feared Ochem test that is. I just started to really study for it today; I planned to study hard yesterday, but I was sick. On Wed, I had Psio test, and I bought Red bull to keep me awake and alive, which I was for that day. But next morning I was half dying from stomachache, probably from the caffein overload. Then I started to feel sicker by every hour, and after practicing vioiln I couldn't stand it anymore, plus Sakana was playing the damn piano again which drived me CRAZY. I thought 'well, I'll go to sleep now, and I'll wake up at 4-ish to study', which didn't happen of course... I woke up at 7 instead. But I'm not sick anymore, so that's all good. We'll see how I do on the test tomorrow.
On Halloween day, I spent $15 on buying candy fearing that kids would come and I would have nothing to give them but Ramen (Which some guy did gave out to my sister when she trick or treated.... hmmm.). And Kids did cam,e but only like 8 of them. Last year there were far more kids visiting, but I guess my dog barking drived them away, or my neighborhood isn't just that cool. May be people in this neighborhood gives out carrot sticks rather than candies, and kids don't like that. Funny thing is, I walked around campus hearing that quite few people didn't get to treak or treat when they were kids. Some of the parents, like someone I know, thought it was "evil" and pagan, so said no to it. My TA's mother thought it was 'begging' so she said no, which I think is more of a "reasonable" reason than calling "evil". Anyways, I made list of all the costumes I've seen, and believe me it was hard thing to do, mainly because I just couldn't tell what some of the kids were trying to be (I thought this one kid was wearing her church choir uniform). And some kids didn't even have costume, and they demanded candies. I guess being "normal" kid is more scary than anything, I dunno. There are tons of candies left for me to gobble up, but ever since I read about how bad processed sugar is for your body, it's not very attractive. I don't really like sweet things that much either. Whatever.
Oh one cool thing that I got to see for Halloween was real human had cut in half (more like quater I guess) for my psio lab. It looked more like rubber and plastic than real human had, even though it had eyebrows, eye lashes, and even nose hair. Not very scary since it didn't look very human, but definitely cool. It made me think that we humans think we are all so great and spiritual and something valuable and holy, but realy what you are is some piece of organic stuffs. When you are dead, you really are as dead as the next piece of block found in random streets. A thing. Also made me wonder who cuts up these donated bodies so nice and neat?? Now that would be more freaky to see than playing with already cut up pieces of body. Oh I also got to see real human brain also, which wasn't that great... not the cutest thing you'd see in life, all tentacle-y and brown/gray soaked with preservatives. Surprisingly small though. Well sheep brain was smaller so that says something I guess. Yucky stuffs.

Today at lesson I played the usual stuffs,Romance with pianist and Bach. I'm really sick of Dvorak now, even though I didn't say anything in lesson. I think Sam's a little tired/frustrated that I'm not really showing "character differences" and/or real accents/forte when I play, and I know that. I know when I'm not really doing it when I need to do it, it's just that I simply don't really want to. I don't feel excited about playing the piece, and since I'm not that into it I can't concentrate and I end up getting into the autometic pilot mode. At the end he told me I sound good and all that stuff but I dont' think he really means it, more like something that he just says after someone finishes a piece. I know it cuz I think I sound boring and dead, and it probably is. When he says I play Bach well I can believe that a little more, since I worked on it and I don't think I sound so bad on that one, even though I might not sound super nice. Bach's also little bit easier; not too extrem expression driven character contrast. Anyways, he thought Vieuxtemp 4 or 5 would be nice for me to tackle next, although he thinks it would be bit hard for me. Vieuxtemp is one of the pieces that I wanted to learn to play in my lifetime, so I immidiately said ok. I'm listening to the 4th one but I think 5th one is way cooler, so I'm gonna go for 5th one. When I said I'll do it he said I was brave, but I think it's more like I'm not really understanding what I'm getting myself into. When I start to practice though, I'll probably pull my hair out and cry "Oh why did I say that I wanted to play this @$%^ thing???", but I like it, and who cares if I play crappy? People already know I'm not that of a great player anyways. Screw me, Screw them haha. And it's better than playing list of pieces that I don't want to play anyways.
It's 9:44 now and I think I'll go home and try to study some more... hopefully Sakana's done beating up the poor piano by now. Ooops and they called me twice already. Well, Nighty night now and wish me good luck tomorrow!!!