Yet another decision

It's almost the end of the school year; I have more or less 4 weeks of school left at this point. Honestly I cannot wait till it's all over, and those 3-4 weeks can't go fast enough for me. I know I will have more schooling next semester, but at least I'll be studying what I wanted to study all this time. This prepping has been too long, and I've waited long enough. I do want Bachelor's degree, and that's pretty much the only reason that I'm sticking to it. I don't know; now that I know for sure that I'm graduating, I don't want to be in school anymore. It's simply like that.



Anyhow, the reason that I wanted to visit my blog again was because I wanted to get my mind sorted out again. I'll be starting pharmacy school next year, and that's all very exciting and everything, but I think it also calls for the end of my violin studies. I wouldn't say "end" for sure, because I'll be playing of course, but as for the lesson part, I'm not so sure. On one hand, I do want to continue learning. I'm not very good at it, and I know it. I need improvement, and lesson can help that. And I also think that I will be able to take lessons if I really wanted to. But, on another hand, I also feel like I've bothered my teacher long enough now, and he's probably better off teaching other kids than dealing with me for few more years, bcuz unfortunately I don't think I improved that much all along. I did improve, but not as much as I should have. I guess I just didn't try hard enough; who can I blame but myself? Problem is, I think I'm at a point where I won't be able to improve much unless I try very hard. I'm sort of on the middle ground here, at a blurry line between being advanced player or just a mediocre player. My teacher had been trying very hard to pull me into the advanced player range, and I wasn't able to follow him into that. Especially this semester-- I know it might be the last time that I would ever take lessons again in my life (I guess I can later too, but who knows), and I really really wanted to do well this time. Work hard on it, make him proud, and make myself proud. Get better at it too, so that I can actually able to play it well. But I just couldn't. I am taking too many classes, and now practicing seems like a luxury that I can't afford sometimes. If I sleep 4-5 hrs a day, then yeah I can fit everything in, but my body gives out before I know it. I pass out, and it's already morning when I wake up. Before I only had to set time limit to how much I can practice that day, but now practicing don't even get listed that often anymore. Sounds like bunch of excuses, but that's the case. I'm tired, and I sound so..... uh...blah?? There's no excitement in my playing, and even I can feel that when I play. In lessons I'm always tired too, since I run around all day going to classes, then volunteer, and lesson is the last part of my day. I start that day at 8:00 am (of course I wake up much earlier then that), and my lesson's at 4pm. I'm try not to be, but I'm tired no matter how much coffee I drink beforehand. It's frustrating, because I want to do well, but I sound the opposite. I'm sure my teacher's sick of hearing me sound the same every time too. I'm sick of myself sounding like that. Today was worse, because I went in for a lesson not even touching my violin for two days. I feel like if this continues, it would not be beneficial for both of us.

So I think the best way is to give it a rest. I know pharmacy school won't be a joke. May be it would be a struggle to just keeping up with the school, never mind getting A's or not (and like I really care for that now). I'll keep playing of course, but the lesson... I'd love to, but if it will be like this for long, I know I won't be able to get much out of it; just frustratrations may be. And violin really is an instrument that takes lots of effort and time, so... yes, I think it would be the best. I need to focus on pharmacy school, and I can play violin without having to feel like I just have to. I'll re-learn the pieces; I did learn a lot too, and there are so many more out there that I can learn! Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up....!