Updates!!

So, what have I done with my unproductive days so far??
Let's see... Today I had Serena and Avonasac over at my house for dinner. I haven't seen Avons since last winter, and it was good to see him again. He's pretty much the same though. I saw Serena quite often these days so there weren't many new surprises for me. We had sushi and played Sims, and watched Il Divo and JB concert at Serena's request. I was actually little bit worried about being awkward with Avons because we haven't seen each other for quite a time, but he's the same, and he didn't really have to try to be relaxed whether if he's at his own house or someone else's. Anyways, I had good time, and I'm too full that I feel like I can almost burst. Yuck.
For yesterday, Sakana's friend had her first solo concert with orchestra (9 years old!) and my family went to see it. She was very very cute and played very nicely too. I'm sure she was just glad that it was over. Afterewards we went to her house for a small party, and had lots of food again. Mom brought Kalbi and 냉채 (cold noodle salad), and even though Kalbi was almost burnt to a soot, everyone seemed to like the food. And with Komala's mom, being one of the most talkative person I know of, we talked a great deal about things ranging from Korean dramas to my school to choosing a right musical instrument for Komala. Even my head started to ache by the end of it. But all good, all good. I wonder how many pounds I'll gain by the end of this week. So far the "exercise every day" plan hasn't been working... But at least I do sit-ups now whenever I watch TV.
And on Friday, my family had our pictures taken at the studio, along with my dog Doori. Me and my sister got confronted at the front entrance of the mall when an ignorant security guard blocked us from coming into the building with a pet, asking if we had the mall manager's permission. But we didn't back down, and he called another security guard who went "Owww Puppy!" and allowed us to go in...:) I was more afraid of my dog biting a small kid or some other person, but nothing bad happened and he behaved quite well. The photographer didn't really know how to get the dog's attention, but I made her hold his treats and ding! My dog didn't even move. The pictures came out all right, except I look almost frozen and awkward because all my attention was on Doori to try to keep him stay still. (The same goes for my mom.) Oh and my dog looks like he's chocking because my family's hands were arond his neck to try to make him still and look up the camera. Very funny but very cute also.

I should really really really really start studying for sure, before I regret slacking off for way too long. I keep reminding myself that PCAT's coming up, but I just couldn't get myself to sit down and concentrate. But tomorrow I'll study... really study...

Just what I think

Only desperate people seek god. The fear was what created religion in the first place, the fear of unknown and uncertainty. (This is at least what Prot says in K-PAX.) If you don't need any help from anybody, if you don't have the urge to depend on something greater than life, then you won't be needing a god.
I think the concept of god is like a parent. A child depends on the parent for the satisfaction and relief of being taken care of and/or protected. It's same for the christianity; we are children of god, aren't we? We ask god for what we want and need; health, prosperity, peace... etc, same as a child would ask parent for what he/she wants and needs. It's the parent's job to look out for the children and provide those, and reward/punish as necessary. This again, is same for the idea of god, at least in Christian way. Now here's a thing though; when children grow up, they are not depended on their parents anymore. They learn to become independent and make decisions for themselves. But following in Christian way, you never become truly independent. I guess my point is that believing and depending entirely in god, is like not growing up and leave from your parent's wings. Sure people want things secure, they want to belive that they are in good hands and somebody's always there to look after for them. This carries on from their childhood till their adulthood. When things get tough, you have someone to pray (or whine) to, and believe that god will be sympathetic. When things work out really nice, well, I guess you have someone to thank to and believe you are getting rewarded. But isn't that also like blaming though? Things happen because god intended them to, and it's not something that you can decide or have control of. There's nothing you can do... but pray (and beg for forgiveness??). I know quite few people who acts that way, and the more and more I think about it it doesn't make sense. I don't like that idea, I want myself to be in control and be independent of my life. I'm not gonna blame or give credit to things other than some dumb luck or random incident. Think that's too dry? Well, isn't it like Santa Clause... when you learn (or figure it out cuz it's just so darn obvious) that he doesn't enslave raindeers to pull his fat body from the sled and dump out billions of "free" toys? Does that just make christmas presents dry?? It's when people feel helpless of things happening to their life that they cling to god, someone who have power to change things for them and guide through it. Not for me though; at least hasn't been for few years. Crappy things happen, along with good things. Deal with it. Don't blame it on other things. Try again.

Wanna know what I believe in? I believe in people. I believe that in most people (yes, not all of them but most of them) there are natural goodness and sympathy residing. I believe in the faith of those people, the will , the love, and the courage. And I believe in myself. It's only my belief though. (Why can't we get rid of those ridiculous you-should-be-burn-in-hell-if-you-don't-believe-in-my-reliegion ideas and just keep "the love and forgivness for each other" part?) Would what I wrote make christians angry? Would some of them be sad that I've lost faith in god? Pray for me that I would go back to his love again? I don't know. I'm still young, and I don't think I've experienced enough things to figure out "life" yet. I'm just a girl who came to realize there wasn't any Santa Clause in the first place afterall. One thing that I know, is that I've left my nursery home, and not looking back.

(*For those people going "what the heck's gotten into her head this time?": the trigger to write this post was my friend's blog, which is filled with bible passages, hymns, and songs relating to god. My friend has exceptional faith and love for god, which was fine to me as long as she felt at ease with it. But it kinda also made me to write about what I believe in as well. Now only the people who are not sinners can throw rocks at me! Repent! just kidding ;)

I miss it.

I miss Korea. I get this feeling time to time, but what triggered it this time I think is because two of my good friends are going to Korea. I think one of them isn't there because she really really wanted to, and I believe she's getting home sick already, but still. I'd do almost anything to be where she is now. The slightest things make me think of Korea, like certain smell in the neighborhood, smell of tree (at least when I was in NY; no real "trees" here), weather, noises, night view... etc. Usually those make me think of good memories that warms my heart, but I quickly put it aside because I know I'd get sick from it if I linger on it too much from my past experiences. The first two years in NY was definitely the worst time of my life even though nobody really knows about this, being so homesick in every manner. I thought I would go crazy. May be I wanted to go crazy,and make things a little easier. There were times where my body's in NY but my mind would be somewhere in Korea, wandering someplace in my memories. The whole day, whole week, whole months I'd be in that state, where I suddenly wake up from it and realize that is not where I am now, and get depressed. My homesick grew into mortal fear and paranoia when I discovered that I would not be able to visit there again until my visa gets resolved, and I became desperately depressed. I missed my friends, and I missed my family. I was paranoied that they would forget me, that I'd be erased from their life, their memory. Being forgotten by others, when I think about them day and night, was almost intoxicating. They would forget me, like everything else as time passes. And when I get to finally see them again, there will be a total awkwardness between us, our lives so different from one another with no particular common ground anymore. (I know now that this isn't true, but back than it seemed as real as me not being able to go back.) This I feared the most, and it ultimately affected my life in NY as well, where I couldn't open up to almost anybody. It makes sense; how can a person actually live a life when his/her mind only lingers in the past? I was good at holding onto the past, but not letting go and move on, partly because the past was so dear to me. I did a good job hiding everything from everybody, and I was quite successfu at it tool. Now I still have couple really good friends in NY that I keep in touch and I'm very grateful for that, but if someone wants me to re-live those days I wouldn't. Anyways, one day I realized how serious my condition was and decided that thinking about Korea does not help me in any ways. I needed to live my life as it is, whether good or not, and move on. And soon I forced myself into stop thinking about it, and it helped, although somewhere in back of my mind the feeling still lingers till now.
And what would happen if I can go to Korea now? Right now, I'm utterly surprised that I'll be a junior in College next semester. Junior. It's more scary than any other feelings that comes up. (Man am I old!) I was in 8th grade when I came to US, and if I didn't decide to go into Pharmacy, I'll be graduating college in two years! What have I done with my life until now? It seems like freshman days were just yesterday... I don't know how time passed this quickly... or yeah, I do know, I spent all those time going to classes, taking tests, studying, all that crap. And because Korean colleges begin during spring instead of fall, my friends in Korea are already getting ready for graduation projects and searching for jobs. My god we are not kids, I mean students, anymore. That would make it even more awkward when I get tosee my friends again, because when I left we were classmates and best friends, and when we meet again we'll be working adults. I also feel kind of left out of the "group" when I see my friends hanging out together almost every other day and post their pictures on webs. I can't share the jokes they are sharing with one another, and I don't know about their interests as they don't know about my interests. But I do miss them, and I know they miss me too, although as I predicted we don't think about each other as often as we were in middle school. I'd like to give it a try though; surely it won't be so awkward. And what if it is? I'm not so doubtful anymore, too much thinking and worrying is not good for anyone's health.

Two unexpected calls

Today I got two unexpected calls from my long-time-n0-see/talk friends. It's been about 5~6 months since I've actually talked to them, and I feel like I'm a really bad friend. I'm realizing how lazy I am to just get myself to say Hi to some of my old friends. It's a miracle that I still keep in touch with many of my friends from Korea and NY, and it's probably due to my friends that I still do. I really was super busy and tired last semster, but that's not really an excuse, is it? Anyways, it was a pleasant surprise, even though it was little awkward since we haven't talked to each other for such a long time... And like my mom, I'm not really a phone person either. I prefer meeting people in person and talk than just call people and talk. It's always a little awkward for me, partly because I don't really know what to talk about. I do like to talk a lot if I have something to talk about, but I'm not a real chatterbox, and when there's no given "topic", I just don't know what to do. It's especailly hard with quite people too. I also find it hard to talk with people who I've just met. I mean, what do you talk about? The weather?? I think it's remarkable that some people can just talk and talk and talk almost endlessly, and even though it's bit annoying sometimes, I think it might be very useful sometimes.

Anyways, BK's call was even more surprising because she said she's in Las Vegas right now. What?? Las Vegas??? I mean she told me that she might be visiting California this summer, but I wasn't expecting her to be at Las Vegas, especially today! And here's what she said: "Hey, I'm at Las Vegas now. Can you come down here sometime?" ...Ok... unnie. My house, is not next door to Las Vegas, or LA, or Grand Canyon. I'd go there now if it's as close as Phoenix or even Flagstaff, but Las Vegas? Yeah, sure I'd just love to go there now; it's a fun place to be in even if you are not old enough to gamble. But with PCAT coming up soon, I think I'd better stay here and prepare for it rather than waste a week's time in Las Vegas... even though latter is what I feel more like doing. And I do want to see her too. *sigh* I won't have any life until I get into the college of pharmacy.... But once I'm in, screw A's. I believe I've suffered enough, thank you very much.

My car's back

Yes, and it is beautiful and shiny... It's perfect!! I was so happy when I saw it I could've cried. I still need to call the insurance company for things but... It's so hard to just talk to those people because I always have to go through this weird 1-800 numbers when I just want to talk to the people in the office. Stupid automatic answering systems. Anyways, Rental car has been really uncomfortable, especially since I had to drive my family memebers around town because I was the only one registered to use that car. And driving them around town cost me so much time that I wasn't able to start on PCAT preparation yet. I've so far made plans, but no actual studying yet... I feel like I'm running out of time, instead of having too much time for myself. I hardly feel like I'm on break... things keep happening and happening. So far I was able to study vocabs every day and practice somewhere between 1:30~3:00 daily (and now my left hand's hurting... but it should be all right after I get used the extanded practice time. For some reason, my hands hurt less after I practice for a while; I think excercising it makes them bit more relaxed??) As for today, it was my parent's 25th anniversary, so we went to "Eat at Joes" for dinner (just because we've never been there before; it was so-so for my opinion, especially there weren't any vegeteranian menu). Right now I'm trying to finish up the champaign that my sister bought; it's bit strong, but surprisingly I don't have any headaches, and I'm not drunk yet, at least I don't think I am lol. Instead of sweet taste, it rather tastes sour... But the bottle was pretty, so all is good. Also I don't feel tired :) May be I should drink alcohol when I study for tests instead of drinking red bulls... hehe. Or would it just kill more brain celss?? Anyways, looking at tomorrow's schedule where I have two tutorings, I don't think I'll be able to study to my heart's content tomorrow as well. And I do need to study; PCAT's only 5 weeks away! Ahhh where all did my "free time" go, I wonder?

So freakin hot

Today was the hottest day yet... Summer really has started. I think today was almost 99 degrees; when the average temperature becomes somewhere around 95~100F, the real summer's in for Tucson. And that means that whenever I drive, I have to endure the gruesome feeling of my hands and arms being roasted by the sunlight. I gotta start wearing sunblocks on my arms or I'll get skin cancer for sure. (Or black arms.) And what's worse than the despicable heat? Allergies!! I'm suffering like never before! (Ok. That's not really true... my eye allergy was worse last year, when I couldn't even open my eyes in the mornings because they were stuck together like someone had put super glue on my eyelids.) I'm sneezing, having stuffy nose, sore throat, and the worst of all, itchy eyes. Now I can endure pain, but I can't endure itching! So I start scraching my eyes, and soon it's red and painful to touch, but the itching never stops! It's the worst torture ever. I tried the allergy eye drops, but I don't think they work so well... I'm also taking Zyrtec (?? It's some allergy treatment medicine that my aunt sent to my mom about an year ago. It says 지르텍 on the cover so I guess it must be Zyrtec, the one I saw at the pharmacy; I had to fill prescription for the whole Williams family suffering from allergies. Poor them.), and it does work but it takes about an hour or two to actually start working. I'm currently loathing the yellow pollens covering up the roadside day and night. I wish rain would come and wash those away, and cool down things a little bit...

Oh and bad news for me: I got B on my Ochem. Arg. crap. F#$%. And I'm only off by like 2 percent to get an actual A. It's very disappointing when I've tried so hard over the semster... and it's true that having my cousins and aunts at my house was little distracting and tiring, but still I was hoping for an A. Aaah well. I guess I have to try harder for next time; I'm not the person to linger over it forever. I also did crappy on my Physics final today, mostly because I didn't study for it as I should've had; this time I only spent like what? 40 minutes on studying? Shame on me, I know... But I had to finish doing homework!....which I procrastinated on till the last minute. No wonder I did terrible on it... Let us still hope for "the miracle", eh?

Two down, one more to go

I just had my Japanese final done! That means that only physics final, which is tomorrow, is left and then I'm not required to do anything more! Yesterday I learned that I have A on (at least) Ochem lab, and it made my day because I was sort of thinking that I'll get a B ... I did absolutely horrible on the quizzes so I dunno how I got an A, but I'm not complaining. Another surprising thing was that I got something like 96% on the Japanese oral test; it's more puzzling then surprising. I thought I did horrible, because sensee was just speaking super fast (may be that's the normal speed for Japanese speakers but still...) without giving me any time to think, I mixed up all past/present tenses, and sometimes I didn't even understand what he was asking me. May be he was so tired (and he looked very very tired that day) that he didn't remember all the mistakes I made. Again, I got good grades so I'm not complaining. Today's Japanese final went fine I think, as long as I didn't make stupid mistakes. I spent nearlly all day reading "Memoirs of a geisha" and only studied for the final for about 50 minutes before the test, which I regretted as I looked at the time while studying but still managed to do fine. Good thing the final wasn't so specific. The book is very intersting and it's one of the kinds that certainly makes you keep on reading; definitely banned from me during school days because those books don't let me do anything else. I got hooked immediately while I was reading it at the school bookstore, and bought it some time later with a discount coupon. I didn't expect it to be so sexual starting about the middle of the story, but I guess the story has to deal with it... Also surprising how manipulative the characters are... even though that's what makes it fun to read. I'm about four chapters away from the end, and I'm suspecting that it'll somehow end vaguely without settling things out for sure. I'd like to see the movie once I'm done with the book; I'm sure it'll be very interesting. And if not, it'll at least have beautiful scenes. Is it rated R? I wonder... I heard that the book shows very inaccurate version of real geisha, and I'd like to see what the Japanese people thought about the book/movie. Won't it be like an american guy making movie about Koreans?? Interesting...

Another thing happened(?) today; mom told me she heard from the radio that JB will be playing Mendelssohn concerto at 8pm, and I looked all over the internet to find out that he's not on TV but just on radio. Because my final started at 8pm I asked mom to record it for me, so I got to listened to it once I got home. I've been wanting to hear Mendelssohn partly because I've decided to practice the 1st and 2nd movements, and I'll probably learn the 3rd movement next semester. I have CD of it, I don't remember who's playing it was but probably Sterne's, but I didn't get to listen to it for some time because I think all my CD's inside my car at repair shop (or I've lost it all). And Marcus told me that he'd been listening to JB's Mendelssohn and "it's so beautiful....". So naturally I wanted to hear him play it. My impression of it was... I think he's playing it bit too fast, it sounded like he's racing sometimes. And he's sound is very light/higher/feminine?? even though he played it powerfully. Sometimes it felt like he just whipped through some of the passages, which is weird because I thought JB's pretty sensual about playing expressively on those. Yes, he played it very virtuosically and flash, but too much of it if that's possible. I thought he's own cadenza was pretty cool (and very flash of course), even though some people criticize him for "daring to ignore" the original cadenza and writing/playing his own. But cadenzas were originally written and performed by performers as I know of it, and I'm not against people writing their own and expressing it in other ways. The unfortunate thing was that my tape ran out and mom forgot to turn it over so I only have like 2 minutes of the 3rd movement, which was my main reason/purpose of recording it. Ah well, I have the other movements at least...And I think I like my CD version better, where it's more weighted/grounded/stable. May be my ears' are just used to that one more.

Oh and speaking of concertos, I got my Jury comment forms. I got two pass, one exceeds expectations, and a pass with questionmark and arrow on "Does not pass expectations" (does not pass to next level) pointing to the circled "Pass". I guess that evens it out... but I was a little startled to see that the "does not pass expectations" almost got circled. I didn't think I did that bad, even though almost all the comments pointed out that I had some intonation problems (sigh) and crunching sound. Except those, I thought I sounded nice. (It was quite funny to see how all the comments started with "bravo!" or "very good job!" and ends with "your this isn't good, you need to improve these... practice that...etc."). I guess it wasn't good enough to move me into 300 level, but I think they decided to let me pass since I'm not a music major... More reason to practice and get better!

Final's almost over

And that means the summer break will be starting soon! Woohoo!
Actually, only one of my finals' over, which is ochem...I think I'm going to get B on it after trying so hard to get an A. arg :( And I'm only off by like 2~3 percent too. I was hoping I could get at least one A in chemistry... But we'll see if some miracle happens and I get an A. *sigh* Oh and violin jury is over too. I did ok, except that I played couple wrong notes and it sounded like I was re-composing Bach concerto. I haven't got my comment forms yet so I don't know about passing/failing it. I would have played nearly perfectly without mistakes if I could look at the music, but since Bach didn't give me any breaks to actually turn the pages, that was impossible. My brain always turns blank white whenever I have to perform in front of people, and since I was fighting so hard to just force my 'conscious' to stay with me (don't blank out... don't blank out... crap I played that out of tune... ok, now focus... -misses another note- crap, what the hell am I doing?!!! Focus!), I couldn't concentrate entirely on the music itself. Oh well, at least my hands didn't shake that time. I wasn't that nervous that time, mostly because I've done it before. But it's still not as comfortable as just playing im my room. I wonder how concert musicians deal with this; are they just able to be in their little "zone" and play like nobody's there with absolute focus? Or do they play even better because they know somebody's watching them?? It's a mystery....mystery.

Anyways, while volunteering at the pharmacy, I came up with lists of things that I want to do during summer, and here it is:
1. Read at least one book a week. (Any recommendations are welcomed!)
2. Learn how to cook good food; collect recipes.
3. Improve/practice drawing, painting, art-related stuff.... Get at least one painting done.
4. Watch good movies! (also Korean movies!)
5. Exercise everyday (my biggest challenge so far)
6. Studay for PCAT
7. Improve/practice violin. (practice for at least 2hrs per day; revisit learned piecies.)
8. Find music to play with Annie.
9. Learn how to juggle!
10. Search for pharmacy school to apply.
11. Write. I'm thinking of continuing some of the stories that I've started, but as always, there are tons of ideas but no actual writing yet.

There will be other things that I'll be doing in summer, like taking summer class and stuff, but I'll write about them as they come up. As for now, I gotta start paying attention to two upcoming finals, Japanese and physics, which I'm not so worried about but still gotta study anyways...

Hana's development

Are you flowering... yet? ....yet? ....now? ....not yet?
(oh you can also observe the dead fly decomposing slowly along with Hana growing...)

Excecuted

...By this dude:


Beware.